I want to redo my blog.

I've changed a lot, and I haven't posted for awhile.

My perception, values, and many other things have changed.

I want to start keeping up on this, but try to show the more positive side of my life.

I'm genuinely happy, I just have a lingering sadness. I'd rather take light on the happiness, though.

Sometimes I forget to breathe...

During my stream line..
I'm doing so well, and I fear that the moment I lift my head out of the water, I'll start to sink again.
So I hold my breath, until I explode.
Or I hold my breath, until I hit the wall.
And I endure my pain, and hope it goes away.
So, by the end of the day, I will start to feel okay.
I won't get a pat on the back.
Or a job well done.
Nothing is simply said.
So I just move on.
It fills my thoughts,
Clutters my mind,
Consumes my dreams,
and becomes my goal.
I try to tell my self to breathe.
But I never listen.
I try to tell her to breathe.
She never listens.
How can I expect to give advice on something I cannot do myself?
I'm trapped in this water
Weightless.
Nothing to hold me under
Nothing to keep me above.
I will stay here forever
Until I find my balance.
I will stay here forever
Until I remember to breathe.

Simple.

I just need to stop being something I'm not an embrace who I am and everything about myself. Regardless of where that leads me.
Maybe I need to spend a less time trying to find out who other people are and more time finding myself.

I'm terrified I won't like myself.

I was thinking...

About a night last summer, where we stayed out very late just the three of us, and I being the youngest one and you two had just graduated and we had a big bottle of jack and we jumped on the tramp behind a house against a mountain in Ivins and the moon was so bright that night. I didn't drink, and I think I was only fifteen at the time. But I saw the whole thing as interesting.
I was trying to remember who I hung out with last summer and realized I really didn't hang out with anyone. I was always gone, but for the most part I was with my best friend. But all summer I didn't exactly participate, I just watched. I felt like I was just there.
You guys don't realize what that night did for me. You will never have any idea. Thinking about it though, I realize how sad it is. Two sad drunks that graduated high school just barely and have no idea what they're doing with their life, so they jump on the trampoline, and keep jumping with a fifteen year old girl. But I guess life just has moments like that and there's not much you can do.

Did I tell you?

That the way I've been feeling lately has never happened the way it has.

That I've been losing friends, and losing trust.

and my fears are consuming me.

Also, the two people in this world I love being around the most, I now can't stand being around them. And I would pick anyone else over them to be around.

And that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
Besides the way that they make me feel.

I don't know if every feeling I have felt recently, and every sadness that overwhelms me, and every problem that comes towards is me, is my fault, or if I'm creating it. And that makes me even worse.
I hate not knowing.

I realize how much of a pessimist this makes me seem, but I'm not. I'm really not.

I'm trying so hard to be okay.
But everything is making me so sad lately. I am so sensitive. And I am the least sensitive person.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone either. There is so many things I need to talk about, and I can't. There isn't anyone to listen. I don't care if you say you care, because you really don't. It's just something to say to make you feel like you're a much better person than you really are.

I hate this.


I wish I could tell my best friend everything I need to, but I can't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions.

There's so many other things that I just can't explain, I don't understand what's wrong with me.

Am I going crazy?
I have no idea.
I need something new in my life.

I like someone.

For the first time in a year and a half.

and I hate it.
It's painful, scary, and I don't know how well I can handle it.

Because every thing almost breaks me. and I'm just waiting for the pen to drop.

I don't know how well worth it is.
But I guess the sadness is what we adhere to, when we're too afraid to be happy.

Wait, no.

We're not afraid of being happy, we're afraid of something ruining that happiness.

I have realized one of my biggest fears...

And now I'm even more afraid to let it consume me.

So..

When I made this blog I titled it only honesty...for the fact I thought I was a realist.
I was just negative.
So there's my honesty.

Alright, let's bring out the honesty.

EVERYONE IS FAKE.

I'm fake. You're fake! The person closest to you is fake! Your parents and your teachers are fake. Your damn grocery store cashier.
Everyone.
And I could not express this enough.
Because I don't think anyone can even begin to comprehend the level of fake that this era is on.
So, when I hear someone say "yeah that damn bitch is so fake" I just cringe. Because FIRST OFF, what kind of sentence is that!? SECOND. That person is fake too!
I had this friend, that would constantly call my other friend all of these mean names behind her back too me, and he would just talk all of this crap and call her fake, and then she would call him a tool behind his back. And then when they were around each other they were nice.
So what does that say?
OH. They're both fake?
I don't know. Because it definitely does not say that they're mature.
And I'm not saying I wouldn't partake in this. But I tried not to and just tried to laugh it off because it didn't involve me, but they involved me. And it's nothing I would ever even take serious because I just don't freaking care.
And that's how I feel at the moment.
And I have extreme frustration towards the male race at this moment.
The end.

So many things to say...

Because it's been awhile.

One:
I was reading through my blog and realized I've been so negative.
And this blog is titled Only Honesty.
But the thing is, if you consider yourself a 'realist'..You come off as a pessimist as well.
Being a realist doesn't mean you have to be negative and it just took some time for me to realize that.
Honesty doesn't always have to be ugly.
The amount of ugly you see in the world is the amount of ugly you feel towards yourself. You hate everything because you hate yourself.
And I'm just not okay with that.
So I'm just going to try and stick with my honest opinion and see the beauty along with it.
So far I've done so well with that and I feel good.

Two:
I think I'm crazy.
I've met someone that I think can handle how crazy I am. And I love every moment I'm with him.
But hate not being with him. Because I hate how he makes me feel when we're not together.
and I don't mean that in a clingy way, but seriously. He treats me completely different from when we're together or not. and It drives me insane. I attract myself to these saddened, bi-polar guys.  and I want to find someone new, but I don't think I will.
So far I've spent almost everyday of spring break with him. Or at least I have gone and too see him.
One night we stayed out all night and long boarded for four and a half hours. All we do is long board now. We used to do random things, but now all he wants to do is long board. And sometimes I just feel like that's the only reason he wants to hang out with me.
I'm really confused about him.
But I don't really care. Because he's already made a good impact in my life, he's been an amazing friend, he makes me think, and he makes me feel good about myself in a sincere way without even trying or having to really say anything. It's what he doesn't say. So if nothing works out between us I'm okay with that. Because I feel like we'd be better friends than anything else. I can tolerate him better that way. and we fight too much anyway.

Three:
I'm loosing my insecurities.
and I feel GOOD about myself.
and I feel better about other people.
It's becoming easier to open up and love again and find the good things in other people.

I'm slightly unhappy, and I feel a bit of depression coming on every once in awhile, I'm over coming obstacles in life, and I'm terrified.
Regardless, Life is genuinely good and I love every moment of it. Even the bad.

Once more...

I feel like I'm eating myself away from the inside out.
Like every bit of inside of me is being scraped away until all I am is an empty skeleton with flesh hanging onto it.
My soul is crying  for something that I could never give it.

No matter how lonely we feel we are never truly alone. We weren't born alone we wont die alone.Our mother was there, the doctor was there, anyone could be there, the doctor could be there once more.
No matter how badly we want to be alone, we're surrounded by people.
No matter how many people we're surrounded by we feel alone.

We're all so many walking contradictions.
I don't understand the irony of this life.
I don't understand why we feel the way we feel.

I look at people that have someone, and the way their behavior is and I just think to myself how dumb they look.
I tried so long to convince myself that I hate relationships and now I really hate relationships. I'm so bitter.
I wish I didn't feel this way. I make myself sick too my stomach.

I want to sleep until this is all over.
And it's not even bad.
We're all playing the victims of this.

I'm just tired.

I could sleep forever. Sometimes life isn't worth what we go through.

I'm having an incredibly horrible night.

I wish I had medication to take that made it that I wasn't so crazy all the time.

I'm so tired of feeling bad about myself. I try so hard too feel good, but I can't.
I'm tired of being put on a pedal stole only to get broken apart.
I'm in a million different pieces.

I wish I had somewhere to go...but I don't. I feel so trapped.

Why can't I ever keep close friends? I could  really use a good friend right now.

Lately...

My life is up and down. I'm facing so many different directions right now, and I don't know which way to go.

We're on a three day weekend. Guess what I did? Basically nothing.
Friday, I almost caused an accident, had a horrible day/night, and then slept.
Saturday was amazing.
Sunday did nothing.
Today I've done nothing. Oh wait I went and looked for a job for like an hour.
I look cute today and I want to go out to dinner, but I have to finish all of my homework that I should have probably dedicated this weekend to doing.
I am so tired of school I could die. I can't wait to be done. Tomorrow I have SEOP's and I'm thinking about talking to the counselors about dropping my classes right now and finishing online so I don't have to do a lot of summer school.

I'm going to be starting another blog soon having to do with volunteering at the Charity Exchange every Saturday, and the fundraiser I'm expecting to be doing over the month of March, and The Heart Walk Foundation. 
I recommend you take a look at the websites.
http://www.charityanywhere.org/
http://www.heartwalkfoundation.org/

Okay. It's been awhile.

At one point this week I felt like all things were in order in my life. I would notice small things and it just made me feel like this is exactly where I need too be. Friday night though, happened to disrupt my thoughts, like a thrown rock disrupts the water, and all my peace left me. I hate that I have to over think everything. My life would be so much easier if I didn't. I don't want to take things too seriously or anything, and I don't want to think about what I think about, but it's the only thing I can't stop thinking about.
But overall, I think I've had one of the best weeks that I've had in a really long time. Everything seemed so... I don't know, perfect? But not, because I jut enjoyed everything, even the bad things. I just took it all in. And Friday couldn't have been any better. Saturday was amazing. And I'll see how today goes.  I hope that I can just continue feeling how I've felt these past few days.

Well last night was Snow Canyon's junior prom... Did I go? No. I didn't. Why? Because no one knows me there and I didn't get asked. Oh well. Maybe next time. I wasn't too hurt about it really. Just sometime it would be nice to actually know what it's like to go to a dance, get all dressed up, and feel beautiful for the night. I hope that everyone that did attend had a really good time. (:

Oh one more thing, I met this lady yesterday when I was getting gas, and she talked about how beautiful of a day it was, and talked to me about enjoying life at the age I am, while I'm in high school. And to enjoy being young and healthy, and too take advantage of that. So I guess I'm done complaining and waiting for something better out of high school. I don't know what lies ahead, but I need to enjoy what I have now.
Although I feel like my life has great things waiting for me.
Growing up is scary.

So it's the new year.

And here I am. 
Something new. 
and I am definitely filled with complete happiness too start all over again because I think that's what everyone needs. (:
I'm done talking about what was or could have been. Because I'm happy with what is and who I am (: 


I'm going to loose weight and be healthier
Make time daily for the things and people that are most important to me. 
Make new friends
Have as many amazing experiences that I possibly can. 
Meditate.
Read a lot.
GET A JOB! 
Earn a 3.7 GPA or higher. 
Keep going if I don't achieve every expectation. 
Start writing again. 
Try as many new things as possible. 
Start taking photographs again. 
Stay calm. 
Love. 
Become less selfish. 
Do volunteer and service work. 
Laugh.
And just breathe. 


And I'm still debating vegetarianism. 
It may or may not continue, but so far I have gone 3 days without meat. 
And I wasn't planning on telling anyone. 
Still probably wont. 


What are your goals or resolutions for the new year?