jf;kljl

Hey, life. Stop being such a bitch.

I hate making up titles.

I'm absolutely terrified for my future. I feel so unprepared, and to me that's one of the worst feelings I'll ever feel.
------------------
I don't want to face it alone, but I feel like I have no hand to hold.
And when I did, I started slowly loosing grip.
Until I lost my happiness.
Well, you have no idea how much you meant to me.
You have no idea how much you destroyed me.
I'm walking on this small path fit for two, while I watch from behind, me and you.
Every time I fell you were there to pick me up again.
But I'm back where I started.
From beginning with no end.
Even though the path wasn't clear,
I could see how close we were to watching it disappear.
I don't want to walk this alone.
I'm still learning this road.
------
I'm not done with that, but oh well.


I'm just tired of feeling completely alone.
And I'm tired of having feelings that aren't returned.
I'm tired of being confused.
I'm tired of being tired.
and sick.
and scared.
I'm tired.


I guess I just miss liking someone.
And I miss how everything used to be.
I have no idea how my life has turned out the way it has, and I don't know how I've got to where I am today.


Whatever. Stuff happens.

....

I've reached a point in my life...
 and I don't know where I am. 

The Cure.

Love song... 

Now I need too watch Donnie Darko. 

Definitely one of my all time favorite movies, and nick & Norah's infinite playlist.

Time for a movie night! 

Well, this past two days have been incredibly eventful and I can't even begin to go through all of it. 

All I know is that it's a change and a very good one at that. 

So thanks, God. 

And I'm still trying to make a decision.

and I'm still strongly disliking girls, but even more now.

I've made a new friend.

I think she's a keeper. 

Which doesn't happen too often lately. My life is like skhjfklsfnhdfjfsldfs

that 24/7. 

I just want to talk to someone and create art. 

I think I finally get to finish my room this weekend. So by Christmas break it will be alll ready for my hermit stage. 

Have you ever had an urge to say a word?

I just keep wanting to say holla, or holler. and I don't know why, but it is definitely getting on my nerves. 
   Goodnight. 

Tonight.

I hate the way my blog looks. 
Someday I'll fix it.


I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday, but once again I wanted to go to bed at a decent time so I can wake up and exercise, but it's eleven thirty and i just finished my homework. Kind of. 




My music is making me happy. 


I'm really wanting to start something with someone soon like with music. 
Because I'm an amateur and I want to learn more, so I figure the best way to do it is to just get involved. 


If you don't know who The Temper Trap is. You should.


Goodnight. 

Yup.

I can't say this in any other way, but that I wish I could stay away for days.
Stay away from people and the world.

I'm so incredibly done with girls, and their stupid drama.

I have NO idea what I want! Or what I'm doing. and I can't express how much everyone stresses me out. I'm done with this same old feeling that I've had for so long.  I'm sick of people pretending to be my friend, I'm sick of surrounding myself with people that I know as soon as they get the chance they will talk about me, because all they can do is talk about other people when I'm around, and I'm not going to lie and say I never do, because I can struggle with that too, but just not as bad. And yes, sometimes I go off on rants and say things I know I shouldn't, but it's hard when you're caught up in the moment, already struggling, and the biggest thing you have in common with people, is people.

So I'll just put the blame on everyone else, because sometimes that's the bad quality I have.

I don't know want to pretend. Ever. I don't want to be someone or something I'm not. But I don't know who I am or anything about myself. I'm confused. and one minute I want to be surrounded by people and the next i hate everyone. and the next minute I want be kind sweet and classy and the next I want to be a Bad ass.
I don't know how to just be one person, because there's so many people I want to be. I'm everywhere. I'm like floating and being torn apart because everyone wants something.

Please god bring me someone that wont be like everyone else.
I don't want to deal with this anymore and I need something new.

Choices.

So I guess I fixed my blog to what I wanted it to be, and in the same day. I honestly never thought that would happen, but I guess I'm more O.C.D than I thought. 
     I can't wait for my room too be finished finally. as soon as it is I'm going to lock myself in my room for days and create so many things, I probably wont even come out to eat. It will be the greatest time. Sometimes, all I want is too hear the silence of every one's thoughts, and to watch the world finally stop. I have these dreams every once in a while that I'm standing in a city at night and everything is spinning, I'll watch the lights create tails and paintings for awhile then I'll listen to every one's conversations around me until everything stops, and no one is moving, and the tails are frozen until they drop, and the conversations end, and  no one's speaking, and then I lay down on the sidewalk and wake up. It's a recurring dream I have. 
   My favorite thing about the winter and the fall, is how my inspiration and creativity is just exploding inside of me, how quiet and well kept I become. I try to carry it out through the whole year, but sometimes it's kind of difficult..
You know, I have a lot of decisions I need to be making in my life right now, and all of them have to do with what I want, or what would be the easiest. Even though nothing is ever easy. The biggest one right now though is trying to decide if I should stay at Snow Canyon or just go back to Dixie. Now that I'm starting to make more friends and everything is becoming a little easier, but it's the end of the semester... No matter where I go I feel like i don't fit in, honestly. I see these people, some that used to be my friends, and I don't belong with them. Sometimes I'll look and wonder what it would be like to be friends with these other people, that are almost complete strangers. I mean everyone is nice to me and all, but sometimes I feel like I'm not wanted, or they like me, but they can't really see us being friends... I don't like it, because i know it's all my fault. and I take advantage of everything in my life sometimes. I like how I am at snow canyon, I'm calm, quiet, different, and okay. I'm just okay. And at Dixie I'm loud, weird, annoying, and completely confused, but I guess that doesn't matter because I'm always confused. I'm just scared though that I will make the wrong choice, or made the wrong choice, and I'm scared of what will happen, how I'll feel, and if it's really what I want because It's a permanent decision... Even though I know the biggest thing I want is to just come home. It would be nice if it was full time, but my mom wont let me do that, so if I come home it has to be part time and then I have to choose which school I'll do the rest of my classes with. 
Do i want to finish the rest of high school with familiar faces, my two best friends, familiar teachers, and everything being the way it is with no change or willing to accept that change. Or do I want to with strangers that could be my friends, or never be my friends, with teachers that never knew me, and may never will.. and I could go on. I guess I need too look into the past, present, and future, and make a list of everything.. and go from there. I hate this. 
I can't wait for college. 
-----------------------
     It's about twelve and I have two hours until I need to arrive to a place, and give my condolences to my best friend and her family. The sad thing is, she reminded me so much of my grandma and that made me happy, sleeping at her house, going over for lunch, and spending my summer nights there. I'll truly miss all of it. She's so much happier now though, I know she is. We don't need too see her in any pain ever, and she gets to be with her daughter, and many of her other family members. To become a spirit and a watchful eye to my best friend. R.I.P Elsa. 

The beginning.

I had a blog once, but it wasn't really working out for me. It would only let me sign in sometimes, and other times it wouldn't. and I was going to decorate this blog the way I wanted without the stock templates, but truth is I'm kind of too lazy and tired for that right now so I suppose that I'll eventually get to it.

  Well, sometimes I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words, so things just don't come out right, but lately I've had quite a bit going on in my life that I feel I need to somehow express without it all coming out at once and not making any sense. So here it is, just my thoughts and opinions, and all of my honesty.