I want to redo my blog.

I've changed a lot, and I haven't posted for awhile.

My perception, values, and many other things have changed.

I want to start keeping up on this, but try to show the more positive side of my life.

I'm genuinely happy, I just have a lingering sadness. I'd rather take light on the happiness, though.

Sometimes I forget to breathe...

During my stream line..
I'm doing so well, and I fear that the moment I lift my head out of the water, I'll start to sink again.
So I hold my breath, until I explode.
Or I hold my breath, until I hit the wall.
And I endure my pain, and hope it goes away.
So, by the end of the day, I will start to feel okay.
I won't get a pat on the back.
Or a job well done.
Nothing is simply said.
So I just move on.
It fills my thoughts,
Clutters my mind,
Consumes my dreams,
and becomes my goal.
I try to tell my self to breathe.
But I never listen.
I try to tell her to breathe.
She never listens.
How can I expect to give advice on something I cannot do myself?
I'm trapped in this water
Weightless.
Nothing to hold me under
Nothing to keep me above.
I will stay here forever
Until I find my balance.
I will stay here forever
Until I remember to breathe.

Simple.

I just need to stop being something I'm not an embrace who I am and everything about myself. Regardless of where that leads me.
Maybe I need to spend a less time trying to find out who other people are and more time finding myself.

I'm terrified I won't like myself.

I was thinking...

About a night last summer, where we stayed out very late just the three of us, and I being the youngest one and you two had just graduated and we had a big bottle of jack and we jumped on the tramp behind a house against a mountain in Ivins and the moon was so bright that night. I didn't drink, and I think I was only fifteen at the time. But I saw the whole thing as interesting.
I was trying to remember who I hung out with last summer and realized I really didn't hang out with anyone. I was always gone, but for the most part I was with my best friend. But all summer I didn't exactly participate, I just watched. I felt like I was just there.
You guys don't realize what that night did for me. You will never have any idea. Thinking about it though, I realize how sad it is. Two sad drunks that graduated high school just barely and have no idea what they're doing with their life, so they jump on the trampoline, and keep jumping with a fifteen year old girl. But I guess life just has moments like that and there's not much you can do.

Did I tell you?

That the way I've been feeling lately has never happened the way it has.

That I've been losing friends, and losing trust.

and my fears are consuming me.

Also, the two people in this world I love being around the most, I now can't stand being around them. And I would pick anyone else over them to be around.

And that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
Besides the way that they make me feel.

I don't know if every feeling I have felt recently, and every sadness that overwhelms me, and every problem that comes towards is me, is my fault, or if I'm creating it. And that makes me even worse.
I hate not knowing.

I realize how much of a pessimist this makes me seem, but I'm not. I'm really not.

I'm trying so hard to be okay.
But everything is making me so sad lately. I am so sensitive. And I am the least sensitive person.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone either. There is so many things I need to talk about, and I can't. There isn't anyone to listen. I don't care if you say you care, because you really don't. It's just something to say to make you feel like you're a much better person than you really are.

I hate this.


I wish I could tell my best friend everything I need to, but I can't.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions.

There's so many other things that I just can't explain, I don't understand what's wrong with me.

Am I going crazy?
I have no idea.
I need something new in my life.

I like someone.

For the first time in a year and a half.

and I hate it.
It's painful, scary, and I don't know how well I can handle it.

Because every thing almost breaks me. and I'm just waiting for the pen to drop.

I don't know how well worth it is.
But I guess the sadness is what we adhere to, when we're too afraid to be happy.

Wait, no.

We're not afraid of being happy, we're afraid of something ruining that happiness.

I have realized one of my biggest fears...

And now I'm even more afraid to let it consume me.