Choices.

So I guess I fixed my blog to what I wanted it to be, and in the same day. I honestly never thought that would happen, but I guess I'm more O.C.D than I thought. 
     I can't wait for my room too be finished finally. as soon as it is I'm going to lock myself in my room for days and create so many things, I probably wont even come out to eat. It will be the greatest time. Sometimes, all I want is too hear the silence of every one's thoughts, and to watch the world finally stop. I have these dreams every once in a while that I'm standing in a city at night and everything is spinning, I'll watch the lights create tails and paintings for awhile then I'll listen to every one's conversations around me until everything stops, and no one is moving, and the tails are frozen until they drop, and the conversations end, and  no one's speaking, and then I lay down on the sidewalk and wake up. It's a recurring dream I have. 
   My favorite thing about the winter and the fall, is how my inspiration and creativity is just exploding inside of me, how quiet and well kept I become. I try to carry it out through the whole year, but sometimes it's kind of difficult..
You know, I have a lot of decisions I need to be making in my life right now, and all of them have to do with what I want, or what would be the easiest. Even though nothing is ever easy. The biggest one right now though is trying to decide if I should stay at Snow Canyon or just go back to Dixie. Now that I'm starting to make more friends and everything is becoming a little easier, but it's the end of the semester... No matter where I go I feel like i don't fit in, honestly. I see these people, some that used to be my friends, and I don't belong with them. Sometimes I'll look and wonder what it would be like to be friends with these other people, that are almost complete strangers. I mean everyone is nice to me and all, but sometimes I feel like I'm not wanted, or they like me, but they can't really see us being friends... I don't like it, because i know it's all my fault. and I take advantage of everything in my life sometimes. I like how I am at snow canyon, I'm calm, quiet, different, and okay. I'm just okay. And at Dixie I'm loud, weird, annoying, and completely confused, but I guess that doesn't matter because I'm always confused. I'm just scared though that I will make the wrong choice, or made the wrong choice, and I'm scared of what will happen, how I'll feel, and if it's really what I want because It's a permanent decision... Even though I know the biggest thing I want is to just come home. It would be nice if it was full time, but my mom wont let me do that, so if I come home it has to be part time and then I have to choose which school I'll do the rest of my classes with. 
Do i want to finish the rest of high school with familiar faces, my two best friends, familiar teachers, and everything being the way it is with no change or willing to accept that change. Or do I want to with strangers that could be my friends, or never be my friends, with teachers that never knew me, and may never will.. and I could go on. I guess I need too look into the past, present, and future, and make a list of everything.. and go from there. I hate this. 
I can't wait for college. 
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     It's about twelve and I have two hours until I need to arrive to a place, and give my condolences to my best friend and her family. The sad thing is, she reminded me so much of my grandma and that made me happy, sleeping at her house, going over for lunch, and spending my summer nights there. I'll truly miss all of it. She's so much happier now though, I know she is. We don't need too see her in any pain ever, and she gets to be with her daughter, and many of her other family members. To become a spirit and a watchful eye to my best friend. R.I.P Elsa.